The Voice

It's 1am and I can't sleep. My brain just won't shut down. My body is tired and wants to sleep, but like always, my mind is going in twenty different directions at once. Thinking about all the things I need to do at work this week, all the things I need to do at home, and all the plans I have made for myself in the coming weeks. So, instead of sleeping -- like I should be since I have work in the morning -- I have picked up my journal and pen and flipped through the pages until I have found something to work on. Finally, I have finished a poem I started a long time ago. It's been just sitting in my journal, waiting for me to find it again. I told myself that I would post a new poem each day, to feed that need in myself to express everything. But it's been harder than I thought to find the time and energy needed to devote myself to my pen. So here it is, one that I finally found time for.

Silky and dark it wraps around you
like a long lost lover you welcome back with open arms.
Its velvet touch skims down your spine
leaving tingles in its wake.
The hairs on your neck stand up
like the hand of Death has brushed close.
A shiver creeps in.
Starting in your center and working its way out.
It strokes against the slumbering beast inside
bringing it to wakefulness.
The beast prowls your mind driving you to the brink.
You hang there...
on the edge...
waiting...
Listening for that deep resonance
to sink into the pit of you and pulse.
It feeds the beast
starving for a single sound.
Just one to sate the need
for that sweet pain.
The vibrations begin deep in that
dark secret place you keep hidden.
That sweet spot that begs to be stroked.
Like wildfire it burns through your veins
compelling you to succumb.
To dive into its spell and drown in its magic.
The heat explodes out of your skin
and you are left trembling.
Waiting for the voice to wrap around you once more.

Free...

Self expression is a double edged sword.

It can cut you open and leave you to bleed.

Spilling your soul onto the clear blanket of eternity.

Giving you the freedom

to say what you want no matter the outcome.

The constraints of society split

like the sea before Moses.

Holding nothing back.

You must accept the bite of the blade.

Take it into yourself and let it set you free.

Or it will swing back

and the cut will go deeper.

You will be trapped within yourself.

Instead of being free,

you will be buried beneath the pain.

Just like I was.

For so long, I was trapped in a cocoon.

Afraid to be myself.

Afraid that if I showed myself to the world,

no one would accept me.

The courage to be who I am

was buried underneath

the broken child I used to be.

It has taken years for the child to fade

and the woman underneath emerge.

Years spent afraid to stand out.

Always giving in to other’s desires,

making them my own.

Afraid to take what I wanted

because others would not like it.

For so long I was about pleasing others.

Being like them so that they would like me.

The broken child starved for affection.

Any kind was craved, even welcomed.

She didn’t know the difference

between real affection based on truth

and the affection based on lies.

She still lives inside me

crying out for love and affection.

Only now, she is not in control.

Slowly the shackles of fear

are falling away.

I am becoming free to be who I want.

Secure in the knowledge that

it doesn’t matter if people like who I am

because I am the only one who matters to me.

I have taken control of the sword

that once shredded the person I was.

Now it lets me loose

to be the person I was always meant to be.

Turning 30...

I am turning 30 soon....most people my age find that to be a frightening thing. Like their life as they know it is ending. I, however, have recently come to the realization that my 20s, for the most part, sucked. I went through a lot of hard things during my 20s. I made some great friends and I lost some great friends. I also had a lot of milestones in my 20s. I got my first tattoo and began my quest to convert my body into a walking tapestry of my life. I moved out on my own, away from my family for the first time.

Looking back on all the things I have experienced and done for the past decade, I find that I can't wait to turn 30. I've made some decisions this year, ones that will finally free me from the cage i built around myself for protection. I decided to stop feeling guilty for not liking my own mother, and to stop trying to be the parent in our relationship. I need to focus on myself and not on making everyone else happy. I cannot change the past, and I have to stop waiting for an apology that will never come. I'm not going to be afraid to go out and experience life by myself. I need to stop waiting for someone to come with me to share my experiences. I am going to be happy just sharing them with myself. I almost feel like I am finally making some new years resolutions without the hoopla surrounding the beginning of a new year.

So, to commemorate turning 30 in a few months, (cough*** 4 ***cough) I have decided to start sharing myself. The person I am inside, away from my harsh reality I used to live in. And to do that, I am going to pull out my old journals and finish all the poems that I left unfinished.

I want to post a new one here each day, as I get closer and closer to that milestone...30.

See you soon!
XOXO